By Adele Leung
I have always wondered what the role of children is in my life.
I knew I wanted children when I was 20, it took a long time for me to truly let go of this desire, and I had my son more than 10 years later. Wishing to have children is probably one of the most difficult attachments to release, especially for women, as I feel like I am racing against the end of the world at all times. If I never let go of my attachment to them, I may never be able to bring them forth into the world, as inevitably the body has its natural rhythms.
I remembered before my son was even conceived, I always wrote to him. I was so concerned that we may never get to meet face to face, so through my writing, I would tell him everything I wished him to know, about me, about us. Many times I couldn’t even write to him in first person, as the pain would be debilitating. Yet I continued to write. Like I am writing now, our connection in space began and it deepened. Through this writing, I have invited into my life, a soul who is so closely connected with me, that at 5 years old, he fully understands the entire and complex scope of my emotions.
Many times I would have wished to have more children. I am not sure whether this is merely maternal instinct, as this constant urge has been buried deep within for almost 20 years. I have not been able freely to allow it to surface, and the letting go of the awareness in attachment to it, has been excruciating. The attachment that I released just months before my son was conceived is slowly creeping back into my subconscious, yet the Universe is not letting it stay there. Every illusion is coming to the surface for me recently, in full force.
I have been blessed by many beautiful people who have chosen to bring children to the world during this time, and it is through them, my illusions get beaten down, time after time after time. From not being able to look, to painfully breaking down in tears when I do, to reaching a state of stillness independent of external happenings, I fluctuate and flip in between these states.
The urge to bring forth children defies all logic at times; perhaps I am only feeling the connections with these exceptional souls choosing to come now as the new children. And they are truly masters in destruction of illusion and attachments. And I know to be a pure channel to bring them forth into the world, I too, have to first master what they already are masters of. This is the agreement we have. Their requirements from us as parents are getting finer and finer, and more in alignment of who they are. And I know they are around, waiting for the right moment, and showering blessings on me ever so often. As by writing about them, the energy within me shifted from deep universal melancholy to a lightness so full of joy and anticipation. I know they are here, and I know I will be ready to receive them soon.
(This is dedicated to the Universal mother, to all mothers, all mothers-to-be, our children will be ready when we are.)
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